Layers of Grief

There are so many layers of grief that I am currently wading through. Not just the obvious grief over the loss of my husband, but loss related to my cancer diagnosis, my career, and the dreams that I had for my future.

The grief over my husband is still fresh and there is a lot that I still have to work through. It has been 16 months since he died, but in a lot of ways it seems like it was just yesterday. There are so many things about him that I miss. I miss the way that he used to tuck strands of my hair behind my ear, how he always wanted to hold hands, how he would leave love notes for me around the house, and how we would always call just to check in on me. I met him when I was 19 and we had a connection that many people never find. We loved each other genuinely and fully. Our relationship was not perfect, we were both strong-willed and opinionated and we had some epic fights. But what we had was real.

And then it was gone. We knew that he would likely die at a younger age. He had cystic fibrosis and his health started to go downhill. But even with that knowledge, his death was still a shock--in some ways, it still is. I still wake up some mornings and reach out to touch him only to be reminded that he is gone. I still want to call him and tell him about something that happened. This doesn't happen as often as before, but it still does, and each time it's like the wound is reopened.

I'm not sure when I am going to be "done" with this grief process, but it feels like that is far off. So much has happened in the past 16 months that has required my attention that I feel like grieving has been postponed to some extent. In other ways, the grief has been accentuated by what is going on. Along with the loss of the person, you lose the life that you had imagined together. Although Gess had CF, we still had hope that he would beat the odds and we would have a long life together. We had dreams of trips, children, a house, and growing old together. We had so many things that we wanted to do together and with his death, all of those dreams died too.

The cancer diagnosis--especially the stage IV diagnosis--has added another big blow. I am grieving the loss of my health and my future health. There were so many things that I wanted to do and now those things aren't possible. I even went through the expense and difficult of having my eggs harvested in case I could try to have children again someday. Now, I will never be cured of this cancer and will never have children. I will never be a mother. I will never feel a baby kick inside me. At the time I harvested the eggs because I couldn't handle another loss, but that loss is real now.

I also have had big physrical losses. DDs to be exact. Nearly 10 pounds worth of flesh amputated from my body. I've heard people say "they 're just boobs," but clearly those people have never lost theirs. I also lost my hair, which was a big part of my physical identity. I feel mutilated and deformed. I feel ugly. And the one person who loved me no matter what is gone. Gess loved me and he would have loved me even without my boobs. I thought that I would get reconstruction and at least get a nice new set out of this cancer crap. But stage IV has changed that. If I'm going to die soon, it doesn't make sense to go through the numerous difficult surgeries. So, I'll live out the rest of my life without breasts.

I can't believe that I am going to die in the next few years. I will be dead. Gone. Just a memory. And I worry that I will have not left any sort of legacy. I grieve over what I could have done and how I could have made a difference.

This cancer diagnosis has also ruined my chances of having a successful career. I planned to take just a bit of time off to deal with all of these issues and then make a career move--possibly teaching or getting a PhD. But now those doors are closed. I will likely never practice law again. That is a sobering thought. I worked hard to get my law degree and to make my place in the profession. I care about the law and had dreams of making a difference and helping others. Now those dreams are gone. All of the hard work down the drain.

And these are just some of the issues that I am trying to navigate. Some days, like today, the grief is overwhelming. On other days, I feel like I can manage. But the days are hard and I feel like I can't get my head above water for any significant period of time.